Were you taught, like I was, that placing your needs before those of others is selfish, unkind, or unloving?
Did you learn that being a devoted daughter, partner, mother, wife, or caregiver — while shouldering all the emotional labor — was the most honorable choice?
Were you conditioned to believe your worth lies in your unwavering commitment to care for others?
Sounds harsh, but this overblown belief has persisted throughout the ages.
It can leave us feeling unseen, drained, and devoid of the self-knowledge we need to grow and evolve.
Which is what happened to me. By the time I reached my mid-40s, I felt depleted, unhappy, and stuck, with no clue what would make me feel better.
It was crazy-making because my life looked good on the outside, the way I thought it was supposed to look.
One fine day, I realized the relentless pursuit of everyone else's approval had hindered my loyalty to myself and stunted my growth.
Oof, so much brutal truth.
It took many years of practice but I finally found my way to where I am now — someone who still cares for others but is loyal to herself first.
If you're not quite there yet, this might help.
Forging a New Trail
Know yourself well. We often understand others well but overlook our own sources of joy. Even if we recognize our sources of happiness, how often do we prioritize them?
My self-loyalty led me to embrace my introverted nature and free myself from seeking approval through extroverted behavior.
It means declining social invitations that would drain my energy. It also means refraining from self-criticism for being true to myself.
We miss the point if we take steps to care for ourselves but then berate or judge ourselves as lazy, selfish, or "weird."
Cultivate self-compassion. For many of us, loving ourselves is a challenge. We often display harsher attitudes toward ourselves than we would ever exhibit toward others.
Take a moment to observe the way you speak to yourself. Do you offer encouragement and congratulations, or do you criticize and admonish?
Being loyal to yourself entails treating yourself with tenderness, kindness, forgiveness, and generosity. It means recognizing and acknowledging your strengths rather than focusing on perceived shortcomings.
Honor your own emotions. We're often sensitive to others' feelings while disregarding or downplaying our own. Honoring our emotions doesn't imply acting on them inappropriately or indulging in self-pity.
Instead, it means acknowledging our feelings and affording them the same significance we give to the emotions of others.
Prioritizing your own feelings over incessantly deciphering those of others is liberating. People are drawn to those who are open and forthright with their feelings. Such individuals create an atmosphere of trust without hidden agendas.
Sometimes when we yearn to be “selfish,” it means we have been highly selfless for too long.
In the book Untamed, best-selling author Glennon Doyle writes, “Selfless women make for an efficient society but not a beautiful, true, or just one. When women lose themselves, the world loses its way.”
Since I stopped worrying so much about others' expectations and started following my own desires, life is full of creative and joyful energy.
I've noticed other positive outcomes as well:
The Ripple Effects
Authenticity flourishes. We can reveal our true selves when we're less concerned with how others perceive us.
Not everyone will like us when we're being our authentic selves, but those who do will truly love and accept us for who we are instead of the mask we wear to please others.
And truth be told, this authentic version of us is far more captivating.
We forfeit so much when we exchange authenticity for societal approval. Our spontaneity and enthusiasm for life are stifled, and we lose faith in our own judgment and taste. In the process, we risk losing ourselves.
You grant others permission to be loyal to themselves. The authentic self we present to the world resonates with the authentic selves of those around us. Real connections with people who embrace their true selves bring depth and meaning to our lives.
The way we treat ourselves teaches others how to treat us. When we demonstrate self-loyalty by knowing, liking, and honoring who we are — and by showing up authentically — we become better at loving others.
True belonging doesn’t require you to change who you are. It requires you to be who you are.
— Brené Brown —
So, always ask yourself: Is this truly what I desire? How do I genuinely feel in this situation?
There may still be occasions when you choose to focus on the needs of a loved one. But it will be a conscious decision, not an obligatory, mindless routine or a manipulative tactic.
Grounded in your true self, you will make better decisions guided by your authentic nature, bringing you greater happiness and inner peace.
This will have a positive ripple effect on everyone around you. And in my opinion, that's the opposite of being selfish.
* Also published at Sixty & Me.
The Value of Being Loyal to Yourself | Exploring Your Mind
The Invisible Work of Emotional Labor
A server smiles and soothes an angry customer who wasn’t happy with his meal. A mom gently coaxes her toddler out of a tantrum when dad can’t deal with it. A woman visits her ill father-in-law in the hospital because her partner can’t go there without feeling upset.
Each is an example of “emotional labor,” or putting another’s feelings and desires before your own. And it's often offloaded onto women.
What Is Emotional Labor, and Why Does It Matter?| Greater Good Magazine
Psychospiritual Forces Increasing Health
Meaning, purpose, value, connection, resilience, and transcendence are key drivers of wellbeing.
And research shows these psychospiritual forces may be critically important for decreasing risk of illness.
6 Underestimated Drivers of Well-Being | Psychology Today
Pushing Back Against Ageism
From childhood on, we’re barraged by messages that it’s sad to be old. That wrinkles are embarrassing, and old people useless. Author and activist Ashton Applewhite believed them too—until she realized where this prejudice comes from and the damage it does.
Little Bits of Light
Words to open your heart and refresh your spirit
Photos by: Christian Wheatley, iStock (#1) & Linda Wattier (#2)